I'm so fucking centered right now
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Randomize
