she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize