This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
