I am in a vortex of obligation.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
