just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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