Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
