God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
