I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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