I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
