i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
40s are totally the cure
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
