I think I won the penis lottery.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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