apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize