her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
