Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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