I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
