the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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