K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
