i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
