Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
