I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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