Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
