Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
