A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
