I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
