every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
