I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
