If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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