I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
