I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
