Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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