Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
