The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
