I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
