My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
