I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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