if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
