Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
