We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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