it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
