just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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