She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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