I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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