If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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