At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
It was confusing and full of hummus
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
