As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize