mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
