Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
