Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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