Moan for me like Helen Keller
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
