someone threw a dead crab at me
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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