you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
