Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
