As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
are you so shy because you have an std?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
