Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
