I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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