U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
