You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
