when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
