I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
