Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
