i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
