don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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