i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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